Thriving On Chaos

  The rain is trickling on my window, to the calming song of the howling wind greeting the leafs on the trees. A storm seems on its way in the outside world, but my inner storm seems to calm down. Today I had my driving test, and my nerves were on high alert. I made so many mistakes, that I was absolutely sure I would fail. The person who had to pass or fail me, also made it very clear to me, that my performance were not grade A. But despite all of this, she still passed me! It was absolutely amazing, and I can't help but feeling, like my luck might be about to turn. I surely hope so! I have so far spent all of my savings on extra lessons, so this is such a HUGE relief for me! That and knowing I will not EVER have to place my self behind the wheel of a car again is so satisfying. I really hate driving, and I do not understand how people in the western world, have grown so attached to cars, that most view it as an absolute necessity, like food or water. Thats simply not true. A car

The world around me is headed towards colder times, and my internal world is no different. I feel that the  nursing of my subconscious is not able to hold on to all the repressed feelings for that much longer, and soon I will be placed in a raging emotional winter-storm. The first sign of this is my sleep. I have slept like a baby since my life became stable, and order/harmony became my default, but after court I been waking up in the dead of night, thoughts racing about what I should have said, how unfair I think the whole process was, and how depressing it is, that it might actually have been completely legal for this man to steal 7 years of my life, that i'll never get back. This pill is the size of a tree, so I have a hard time figuring out how I'm even supposed to put it in my mouth, let alone swallow it. Then again, it's only a gut-feeling. The verdict will come Tuesday, and who knows, I might be surprised. But i'm afraid that my sleep will not get any better for

 Let's talk court.  Yesterday I had to give my statement in court. My heart was pumping so hard and heavy, that I would have been able to replace the drummer boy in a marching band. At first I thought the most nerve-racking thing would be the confrontation of him to me, but that actually settled pretty quickly. He couldn't even look at me, as far as I noticed, and for me that was somehow a victory. He seemed almost more moved by the confrontation with me, than the other way around - at least thats the theory I will hold onto for some mindfull peace and quiet.  A lot of things happened along the almost 5 hours in which the case proceeded. In my country the system is set-up as such: The defendant chooses his own attorney - his attorney will also act as the defender in the case. I also had an attorney, but my prosecutor was someone I have never met or even seen in my life. It really showed throughout the  case, that the defendant had had hours, days even months to talk every piece

 For the first time, in a long time, my two feet have been placed solid in the both ever-changing and very familiar emotional limbo, that shows whenever chaos is about present its ugly head. A place that the child-version of me invented to get an escape from the dominating chaos that was my childhood. Everything in my life is, at the moment, simultaneously falling apart, and every fiber of my body is switching to autopilot, while my core-being and emotions is getting nursed by repression far, far down in my subconscious. I  know far too well the danger that repressing emotions poses, but it is the only way I know  how to get through chaos of this caliber.  This blog is just meant to give me an outlet to both organise my thoughts and emotions - and give me an excuse to practise my writing, but  If you, somehow against every internet-algorithm odds, found it, I will give you a short summery of what is going on, and why I lost myself in limbo this time: 1) Cleaning up the baggage from the