Emotional Limbo

 For the first time, in a long time, my two feet have been placed solid in the both ever-changing and very familiar emotional limbo, that shows whenever chaos is about present its ugly head. A place that the child-version of me invented to get an escape from the dominating chaos that was my childhood. Everything in my life is, at the moment, simultaneously falling apart, and every fiber of my body is switching to autopilot, while my core-being and emotions is getting nursed by repression far, far down in my subconscious. I  know far too well the danger that repressing emotions poses, but it is the only way I know  how to get through chaos of this caliber. 

This blog is just meant to give me an outlet to both organise my thoughts and emotions - and give me an excuse to practise my writing, but  If you, somehow against every internet-algorithm odds, found it, I will give you a short summery of what is going on, and why I lost myself in limbo this time:

1) Cleaning up the baggage from the past

Im a grown woman today, but when I was a 13 year old teenage girl, I met a man 6 years my senior. He had an unnatural and honestly quite disturbed liking for pubescent - and even younger - girls. This man was peculiar, because even though everything about him was highly predatory, he wore the costume of greatness and innocence to perfection, blinding everyone around him, so no one could see him for what he really was. And he enjoyed every single second where a wilfully blind human being was successfully manipulated by this well crafted mask he wore as a batch of sinful pride. This is not a post where I want to go in depth with the things this man has done to me, so I'll let you imagination run wild for a bit. You'll probably get the gist.

So what about it now? This man (almost obviously) did not just settle with me. I do not think this type of person ever really gets satisfied, so I came to meet a couple of girls with the same sort of experiences with this man. Together we filed a police report, and Tuesday is the day of judgement. We are going to court with him. I have no idea how to feel. I can't get myself to feel nervous, even though I know I am. I am terrified that there will be no consequences, because that leaves him with a self-important smirk that screams "I knew I could get away with it; and if I could now, I can again". Im taking him to court because I will not be able to live with myself, if this happens again to some pore innocent girl, and I did nothing. I am doing this for all future potential victims, and if no punishment will arise, I am almost certain I will have made all of this worse. It would potentially leave me with a far worse feeling, than the 8 years where he groomed and held me captured. 

2) Cruel Nature

As a former biology (now biochemistry) student, I know all too well about the cruel nature of, well, nature. Exactly 14 weeks ago, I missed my first period, and instantly knew what this meant. I was happy. Me and my longterm partner had talked about creating a little wonder and extend the family, so even though this was not planned to death, everything just fell into the right places, and we were both ready and very jubilant about the news. It didn't even strike us that something could be off, or go south with the little wonder we were eager to welcome and love. At 12 weeks we had our first scan, and following that, our first big, air-depriving hit. We got told that the probability that our little, magical being was sick with a chromosomal error, was far greater than it should be - especially at my young age. I know my coping mechanisms extremely well, and moments after the words had left the nurses lips my emotions was being enclosed by my subconscious and autopilot slowly started up. However we did not lose hope yet. We got told that there was about a 1:20 chance for error. In our heads it was still 19 completely healthy babys. We got offered an extensive test, and we accepted. Following that was 10 days in utter hell, waiting for the results, not knowing if relief or devastation waited around the corner. If the news was good, I would get a letter saying everything was fine. If the news was bad however I would get a call.  Some time ago, I got the call. They had detected an extremely rare chromosomal error, that either could be of no importance at all for our child's well-being, or- more likely- it could leave our child severely handicapped for the rest of their life. This instance was in all likelihood a product of natures pure randomisation. It gave me a little peace of mind, knowing, that we couldn't have done anything different for an alternate result, but it still however left us with one of the hardest - if not the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Terminate or continue the pregnancy. I have, for a very long period of time, thought long and hard on my moral position in relation to abortion. Abortion to me is absolute hardest sacred cow to clear my mind on. I have no doubt in my mind, that abortion is the act of taking a life, and I believe it to always be very wrong to take a life, simply out of convenience. I however also think abortion, in some cases to be a necessary evil. I know the dark parts of me very well by now - my shadow if you put it in Jungian terms - due to horrible experiences in both my childhood and adolescence . To continue the pregnancy would for me possibly mean the resentment - and maybe even boderline hatred towards my own child. A both ignorant, but also innocent view on this matter could be " a mother cannot possibly hate her own child. It's simply against nature", and I can sympathise with this stance, but I also know it to be false in part due to my own experiences, especially due to the experiences of my own half-brother (we share a father but not a mother, and his mother was both mentally sick and did not want him), and of corse the news. Mothers do horrible things to their children everyday, and even though I know I would never in a million years hurt my child physically, the psychological damage that a resentful parent, almost certainly will have for both parent, child, and everyone around them would be too much to bear for me. Needless to say at this point, me and my partner, with sorrow choose to terminate my pregnancy. It will happen on Saturday. This decision has brought me to the core of my emotional limbo. I feel nothing - the worst state of being that I know. I know that all of this involuntary repression will come back ten-fold with a vengeance when all of this is over. 

I have had one mental breakdown since my world started collapsing. In my country 14 weeks is deemed a late-term abortion (which in and of itself is breaking every fiber of my heart). That means that I will have to give birth to the baby, too small to live outside of the womb. This is the second most traumatising thought I can think of in relation to this situation. The most traumatising would be the resentment of my own child being born. I know with my whole heart that this is  the right decision for me, and our family, but it is so very difficult. 

3) Drivers licence 

This may, from the title, not seem so bad, and compared it probably isn't, but I am SO afraid of driving - I might go so far to say it is one of my biggest fears. I have failed one driving-exam, and now I have been booked in for another, next week - on top of everything else this is just so emotionally draining, on all the emotions I do not have at the moment. I have used all of my savings on lessons, and if I fail now, I do not know what to do. I simply and literally cannot afford to fail again, and with all the pressure of this next hellish week to come, im just waiting for all of my body to shut down at any minuite now. 

Brace yourself me...... The storm is coming. The good thing about storms is that they never lasts forever. Chaos is always followed by harmony, and im sure I will come out the other side stronger, no matter what. I think I will keep updating this blog. I have always found it soothing to get everything transferred from my head to paper, and hey, if you might also be finding yourself in a storm, I am right here next to you! You are not alone! Take my hand figuratively, and we will weather it together!  Thanks for reading, if you by chance clicked in