Court

 Let's talk court. 

Yesterday I had to give my statement in court. My heart was pumping so hard and heavy, that I would have been able to replace the drummer boy in a marching band. At first I thought the most nerve-racking thing would be the confrontation of him to me, but that actually settled pretty quickly. He couldn't even look at me, as far as I noticed, and for me that was somehow a victory. He seemed almost more moved by the confrontation with me, than the other way around - at least thats the theory I will hold onto for some mindfull peace and quiet. 

A lot of things happened along the almost 5 hours in which the case proceeded. In my country the system is set-up as such: The defendant chooses his own attorney - his attorney will also act as the defender in the case. I also had an attorney, but my prosecutor was someone I have never met or even seen in my life. It really showed throughout the  case, that the defendant had had hours, days even months to talk every piece and bit through with his attorney, and that we - the victims of him - was never even explained what was supposed to happen until 5 minutes before I was placed on the stand. Needless to say, this gave the defendant a huge advantage. 

To testify was.... Strange. Again I did not know exactly what was supposed to go down, or what I was supposed to talk about during my statement, but the things they asked me about was not the things I would have considered especially harmfull. He had given me massages many time - started when I was 14 - and that aspect was the only thing they brought up. That's definitely not the reason why I reported him in the first place. The thing I had placed all of my faith in, when I reported him, was the MOUNTAINS of text he had sent me, during the time I was a minor, with explicit sexual content - he even sent me porn. They never even brought that up, and I am left with a  gloomy feeling of 1) not being taken serious and 2) we will not win this case. He will walk free, and knowing his type of person, this will only light a fire under him. He (Allegedly I think I have to write, because he is not yet convicted of anything) got away with grooming, manipulating 13-14 year old girls (9 in total across 10 years or so), and at somepoint, when they have JUST turned 15 he could harvest the fruit of everything he had done, and start a sexual relationship.  Completely legal. Man I wanna live someplace, preferably in the states, where you are considered a minor at under 18. I don't think a 15 year old is any less of a child than a 14 year old, and even less so, when you have been groomed since the age of 13.

Furthermore the defender had a psyk. evaluation (I personally would hardly call it that, when nothing is stated about your person). It said that he was highly educated, he had good relations around him, and that he had a girlfriend AT HIS AGE! This is a blatant lie! His girlfriend is 19! He is turning 30 this year! An 11 year age gap IS NOT THE SAME AGE! Furthermore he also met her, and started a sexual relationship with her, when she was about 15 or so, and no one bat even an eyelash at this, very easy to refute lie (considering his girlfriend were present). It quite frankly pissed me off, and my hope was turning into smaller and smaller pieces of sand running through my fingers. 

A good thing for me, to have sit through his blatant lies and sugarcoated voice though, was hearing the last witness statement. It was a police officer in some sort of IT department who had looked through his computer and other devices, and they found 600+ pictures and videos of child pornography. This really made my blood boil, because, for some reason, it really took me by surprise. That is a hell of a lot of pictures and videos! He of corse had a well crafted explanation at hand, about him clicking on some link, at some shady chat site (3 times mind you, for everything to add up). To recap, a young man, who could explain a lot of complex IT-concepts to the policeman would not have known, not to click a link sent from a stranger on a shady internet chatside, let alone make that mistake not just once, but 3 times. I hope everyone can smell bullshit here. But nonetheless the policeman said, well that might have happened, and by so planting reasonable doubt about his guilt. I can ease myself knowing what the truth actually is, but I truly worry about the future, potential victims. 

I am extremely afraid, that he will just walk free. These people have no idea what it would mean. I am almost certain that he will do it again if he gets the chance, and it breaks my heart to pieces. I can only hope, if he walks free, that this has scared him enough to not do it again. That maybe this is what he needed to change. But I do not even believe an inch of this myself. Knowing him, he thinks this is exiting. An adrenalin rush. He will feel untouchable after this, and will probably do something stupid at some point, and get caught again.... But when the price is the innocence of children, I cannot bear it in my heart. Also even if he gets a punishment, the maximum is 60 days in jail. I'm sorry to say, but this is no punishment. This is a prolonged vacation, considering our prisons. You live in a room, alone, with a TV. You can play playstation for crying out loud. So yeah. I live in a country where being a criminal actually can pay off, and it kind of makes me sick. 

A good thing from all of this is, that I am truly being grateful for how my life has turned out. I have the best boyfriend in the world, we have amazing plans for the future, I like my studies and know what I wanna do when I become a real grown-up; help other people. I can only take life one step at a time, and even though chaos is pretty prevalent, it will pass. In chaos I have always gained the most knowledge. And for that I am also grateful.