Fire

 My hellish week is almost over, and yet it feels like it has only just begun. 


Firstly I was omitted to the hospital yesterday, to terminate my pregnancy. It was a hell of an emotional rollercoaster, and the sorrow is still in me. I had to birth the child, and the pain matched the birth of a fully grown human. I'm happy it happened that way though. It is undoubtably the most humane way to go about it, even though it is an evil thing no matter how you look at it. I had contractions almost non-stop for 3 hours and at the end I was whole heartily ready to die. But still I saw the pain as me giving back to the baby in some way. I was not able to give him life, so the least I could do was suffer with him, and it gave me something, that I am unable to explain. I'm very sorry it had to happen this way, but sometimes you just get to pick which poison you swallow. I choose mine, and it stung horribly. You will always be with me, and be a part of who I am, and I'm grateful for that. The mourning will probably take some time to get over, and if I'm being completely honest, it will probably never end. Still I'm sure this was the right decision for us, and now I will just have to put one fut in front of the other. Keep moving still. 


Secondly the verdict came today. I am FURIOUS. This man, who stole 7 years of my life got the approximate value of 403 USD in a fine for everything. Over 600 files of child porn and 7 years of grooming and manipulating me (and other girls). My countrys judicial system is a joke. I can't accept this. Over the 7 years he has been stupid enough to send me a LOT of inappropriate texts, most when I was 14 years of age (considered a minor in my country). My last bet is the court of public opinion. I will get a lawyer with specialty in defamation, make him go over everything I have and greenlight what I can share publicly. I can only hope, that people will be outraged, that this stuff is legal, and by that share it around, so a lot of people will know, because I don't think they actually do know - I sure as hell didn't. I cannot live in a place, where children are not protected from predators like this. I simply can't. Furthermore I have to do everything in my power - even if it ends in nothing - to leave a better world for my own future kids than was left for me. It's the most important thing a parent can do. But I also know, that I can only do so much. After this is done, I believe that my duty is done.

My week in hell has just prolonged itself to who knows how far. At least now I only have one mayor thing to worry about, and that is always nice. We will see what the future brings. Hopefully it brings a more safe world for the little ones. At least in this backwards ass country. 

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